`tHe NeVeReNdInG fAiRyTaLe~hApPiLy EvEr AfTeR iS nOt ThAt FaR iS iT?` RyAn & MiNdY

Saturday, January 28, 2006
8:36 AM

~I'm sorry...~

Yesterday I was v tired fr waking up more than 5 times d day b4 even thgh i slept at ard 12. I guess dat was wat made me get pissed off wif my dear dear which was bery unfair 2 him. Nearly dozed off at wk a few times n thgt i cld ve gone hm by 7pm but den may asked me 2 cover 4 hakim til 9pm.

After i knocked off i called my dear dear n 4 no reason i juz started 2 raise my voice n complained abt him not bothering 2 call me at all n stuf like dat.. It seemed s if d resentment i had inside just sort of exploded.. I'm d 1 who calls abt 99% of d time n i thgt if he doesn't bother 2 call i cldn't ve mean t anyting 2 him. Funny ting is dat I no he does love me just dat i wished he wld just initiate calling me or smsing me sumtimes n i wld b contented. Also quite paisay coz sum of d customers near me looked at me s if I was sum crazy bitch when i started raising my voice. But i didn't care anymore. Actually i no y i lost my composure: partly i was damn tired n whenever i'm lacking of sleep i'll tend 2 fly off d handle v easily. another reason was dat i've a memory 4 d not so positive stuf which has happened or have been said b4.

I'm sorry 4 hurting ur feelings fr d horrible tings i said yesterday n not spending enuf time wif u coz of dis job. N when i told u dat this job was 2 reduce my reliance on u i wasn't lying. if i c u less n i dun tink so much abt u, i feel safer when i no dat u wun b able 2 hurt me if u r indifferent or if 1 day u decide 2 stop loving me. i just dunno hw 2 trust sum1 fully anymore. i 1na b close 2 u yet when I'm close 2 u i wana pull away coz i'm afraid u'll b juz like them. I'm afraid i'll get hurt again n i dun 1 2 b taken 4 granted. I no i tend 2 throw in all my heart n soul in my relationships n yet dis time i didn't do d same.. I'm afraid if tings doesn't wk out i'll get dat heartwrenching feeling again. I no dis time if sumting bad happens, i'll commit suicide, not attempt it. It's not dat i'm afraid 2 die: Death 2 me is someting inevitable. If i've 2 die i'll no matter wat happens. N i've seen n felt enuf gloominess in my life dat it's v ez 4 me 2 let go anytime. I just 1 u 2 no if anyting ever happens 2 me, i just 1 u 2 lead a happy life n not b guilty or sad. I admit i'm weak n vulnerable n this comes fr being emotional n having intense feelings in everyting i do. It's like when ppl r sad, i feel d sadness which is amplified abt 100x. When i'm happy, it's magnified a 100X 2.

Slept quite early last nite after gorging on a lot of fd coz i was quite miserable. actually i 1ed 2 call u n tell u dat i love u n pls dun take it 2 heart d nasty stuf i've said but my stupid pride prevented me fr doing so. also, i really did appreciate u calling me back yesterday yet, n up i flared up at u again. i didn't 1 2 let u sleep when u were feeling so down n i knew u'll n up not sleeping dat early. :( I knew u were v upset coz i felt it n so i slept so dat i wun b forced 2 tink abt anyting. when i woke up just now i saw ur msg n i teared when i read ur blog. I'm sorry i made u so upset. I'm sorry 4 being selfish n inconsiderate abt ur feelings. It's not u r not a gd bf, it's me dat i'm not understanding enuf n not trusting enuf. u mean a lot 2 me but i'm doing all d tings which will bring u further away fr me.

i really dun deserve u at all. I'm not gd enuf n u r 2 gd 2 me. Seriously, there r a million girls out there who r better than me in every single way n i'm just a nobody who doesn't ve a single ounce of self-esteem. There's dis nagging fear dat d happiness we've 2gether wun last coz i feel that heaven has dis warpped ting 4 me: Whenever i'm happy it'll take my joy away in a flash n i'm left 2 drown in d sea of darkness n gloom which i've been trying so hard 2 get away fr. actually dis whole mth when i'm wif u, i've been v happy just dat i may b hypersensitive 2wds sum stuf. it's like looking 4 d imperfection in a perfect world. I dunno y i'm like dis. Hope u'll forgive me..

Wat's d purpose of love u ask? sum ppl wld ans love is nothing but trouble yet ppl 1 2 look 4 trouble. others wld say it's a biological ting. yet sum other ppl wld say it's 4 companionship. 2 me, love is beautiful yet it defies all logic n reason. Love is irrational n all consuming. It's passion n being contradictory. It adds on sum spice 2 an otherwise empty n boring existence n gives a whole new perspective on wat life really is.. just my humble opinion..

imlost...
inafairytale