`tHe NeVeReNdInG fAiRyTaLe~hApPiLy EvEr AfTeR iS nOt ThAt FaR iS iT?` RyAn & MiNdY

Friday, March 31, 2006
4:32 PM

~Mixed Blessings~

D gd ting: i won a Fancl mild cleansing oil n facial powder. Which r juz wat i need. Ok la, i've been lucky in contests since young, so far won a soft toy duck, $20 yoshinoya fd voucher, 2 ez link cards, health guide n file holders, a necklace, Dior Poison perfume n compact case, $50 X'odus shoe voucher n whitening masks in recent yrs. Can't rem wat i won when i was a kid thgh. But ok la, i shall keep up wif sending in contest coupons. fun 2 win stuff coz it's a nice surprise 2 c a letter on ur table when u dun expect 1.

D bad ting: in d last 24hrs i've been 2 d loo 5 times. Everytime i eat sumting my stomach gets upset. mayb my body is telling me 2 stop eating? but on another hand it's not a bad ting either since not much is absorbed by d body so i wun get fat.

I read Feb's issue of OK! mag n there was dis short column where d columnist wrote abt her thgts on love. This is wat she says:

"New Age philosophy believes that we attract the perfect all the time. "Perfect" in this instance means that at a particular stage in life, there is a partner that we need to meet and get involved with to help us learn particular life lessons. We learn the most lessons when we merge with a partner because he or she is another whole being like ourselves. Whenever i find myself at the end of a relationship, i always ask myself what I learned from that person. i can then realise how perfect he was for me and how he had helped me move on to the future. Then a sense of peace will overcome me. Here is one of my favorite excerpts from a book entitled, The Share Heart:

"What we really see in our loved one - what we really are attracted to - is what we have not yet opened in ourselves. The beauty and wholeness which has always been within us we first project onto our beloved. Then we yearn to be with our beloved and enter full swing into the cosmic dance of a relationship. Finally, the dance awakens us to the remembrance of our original wholeness - and holiness. However, unless we enter fully this dance of love, we might remain in the sidelines yearning for that which we already have."

I suppose whenever we fall in love with some1, we fall in love wif the qualities which we c in our partner that we do not possess. Althgh i've learned fr my social psych module that similarity attracts whereas opposites repel, I feel that this applies only to fundamental beliefs n attitudes that we share wif our partners. Whoever had used d excuse 4 a breakup dat their character traits don't match is taking d ez way out. Opposites r complementary. For instance, if ur partner is an introvert u learn fr him how to enjoy being comfortable at hm whereas if u r an extrovert u can share the experience how going out n mixing wif ppl can b enjoyable. It's like piecing everyting in a jigsaw puzzle. U can't do wifout 1 missing piece. everyting seems 2 fit nicely n perfectly s a whole. However, differences might mean having 2 compromise wif each other. Compromising is a 2 way street. Compromising does not mean making drastic changes 2 d relationship. It's more of taking in2 acc of ur partner's feelings n making little changes which will make d relationship run smoothly. A relationship can't b built on 1 side giving in all the time while d other jus keep taking. Trying 2 change sum1 in2 d person dat 1 wants is contradictory to loving sum1 4 who they r. When we 1st met dat sum1 ever 1der y d way they smile or d way they r so passionate abt expressing their opinions r so enchanting? On d other hand, y is it dat s time goes by, their quirks n mannerisms n dat passion has become grating n irritating 2 u? Is it because both parties r weary fr trying 2 maintain their best fronts in d beginning n they cldn't continue d act anymore or is it because love is blind 2 a certain extent, once d honeymoon period is over n u understand d person better, d rose-tinted glasses is taken off n u stop idealizing him or her, d flaws become so obvious n apparent? I tink we do ve 2 accept our partners 4 who they r, but since a relationship is a dance 4 2 persons, we need 2 learn hw 2 make accomodations n adjustments so that we can make d dance better. When we tink of our partners' flaws, we've 2 take a step back n tink of our own flaws n hw they will cause an impact on our partner juz s hw their flaws ve affected us. It goes both ways. A relationship is not abt power n ctrl. It's learning 2 adapt 2 life wif another person who'll b ur soulmate, ur best fren n ur pillar of support. When we merge wif our beloved, we learn many life lessons fr them n wif them. When we try 2 change them, we've fallen in love wif d person whom we 1 them 2 b. Isn't it ironic that in d beginning we love them 4 who they r? Trying 2 change sum1 is different fr compromising n making accomodations 4 differences. We can point out our partner's flaws but don't 4get 2 emphasize their good qualities 2. No1 is perfect. We too ve qualities which our partners might not b comfortable wif n we need 2 reflect on this n understand that we've 2 take note of dat 2. otherwise d tone becomes accusatory n d partner might feel resentful or bewildered. It is essential dat we r considerate abt our partner's feelings n put across the msg we try 2 relate in a gentle manner. dun 4get dat when a person points their finger at sum1, 3 fingers point back 2 themselves. giving suggestions 2 our partner is helpful but at same time we need 2 recognise dat we ourselves r not infallible. I've always thgt dat being wif sum1 isn't ez s it entails sacrifices n comsideration 4 our partner. u hope he's happy n d best part is both of u r happy being 2gether but there r so many tings 2 take in2 acc 4 a relationship 2 wk. Fate, luck, hard wk all play a part in2 whether a relationship can last til d n or not.

Lately, I've this fear dat my relationship might not last. I love d guy I'm wif 2 bits n i can't imagine living wifout him. But d fear keeps lingering like a leech which wldn't get off its host. i don't understand dis fear n anxiety. Can a relationship survive on love alone? I do hope so. I'm trying 2 keep my optimism going..

Life can b pretty unpredictable. n dat scares me. I seem 2 b afraid of so many tings dat life throws me, but i'm trying 2 overcome this. D more afraid i m of sumting i make a conscious effort 2 b closer 2 it. I guess i need 2 face up 2 my fears. Ppl may tink dat d tings i do r irrational or stupid. but everyting has a reason n d reason y d tings i do is becoz i'm acting on my feelings. I juz 1 2 b true 2 my own feelings n not do sumting which is contradictory 2 how i feel. No matter how dumb my decisions might b, or d fact dat i might regret in future over d decisions i make based on my feelings, i'll learn fr my mistakes n pick myself up. life stil goes on. mayb i need 2 fall b4 learning how 2 pick myself up n i need 2 learn it d hard way. i 1der wat my purpose in life is. i'm trying 2 make sense of d meaning in life thgh til now i'm stil all muddled. I understand dat althgh i might ve a harder time than sum in life, it doesn't mean dat i don't marvel or c d gd tings in life. Simple tings like seeing a mother n her young son holding hands, d amazing beauty in flowers n d clouds which color d sky make me thankful 2 b living. on d other hand, I'm not afraid of death 2 coz i believe every1 will need 2 leave this world 1 day, n it's just a matter of d time. If i've 2 die, i hope i'll b at peace wif myself n ve learnt all dat i 1ed 2 no so i'll not die wifout regrets. i believe every1 has a purpose in their life n no matter how others might tink dat sum ppl r useless, they will realise d truth 1 day. For instance, some people tink dat intellectually disabled persons r useless, but in my opinion, I tink dat they r v valuable coz they teach us 2 b happy coz they tend 2 ve a happy disposition n d progress they make fr being totally reliant fr ppl 2 independence thgh slow makes us more appreciative of life. Every 1's life is a miracle coz d process of conception is not s ez s it seems. timing plays an impt role in conception.

I believe dat even murderers n cruel ppl ve a conscience n some gd in their heart, jus dat they might b buried so deeply dat they cldn't bring out dat aspect. Ppl r gd by nature n d "bad ppl" cld b blinded by their motivations 2 do d tings they shldn't which may hurt others. judging n condemning them do not exonerate us fr our wrongs. sumtimes when i look at sum ppl ard me, they seem 2 exhibit characteristics which r worse than d so called bad ppl. Backstabbing, cruelty, unkindness n selfishness in our everyday life, we r not s gd s we tink we r. If only we can love one another n treat every1 wif kindness n sincerity, dis world will b a 1derful place 2 live in n every1 will b happy. I guess humans r probably 1 of d only few species who will hurt n sumtimes kill their own kind n this doesn't make sense. But i suppose sumtimes d motivations of greed, revenge, hate n envy can b 2 strong n ppl r unable 2 express d gd in them. At times i'm 2 optimistic n naive abt ppl but at other times my cynical side will surface. it can b difficult 2 reconcile the conflict between d two. I juz hope i don't bcome disillusioned s time passes...

imlost...
inafairytale

Sunday, March 26, 2006
1:22 AM

~a 1derful holi indeed!! ")~

dis is d most fulfilling n happiest 1 week+ holi i've since nov 2004! Just a recap of hw i spent my holi in reverse chronological order starting:

25 Mar (Sat)
2day morning 1045 was at dear's hm. watched him play fatal frame 3 til abt 2pm. enjoy watching him play wor. Coz he not like my gor use cheat guide 2 get thru d game.. i tink it's admirable coz he prefer 2 use his own effort 2 solve problems (yes i no i can't help gushing abt hw gd he is in my eyes :p). can actually tell a person's character when they r playing games. Eg like when i get frustrated in com games s a kid i'll slam d keyboard, make until keyboard spoil lor. gee. bad tempered n hate 2 lose.. after dat dear not enuf zzz n hungry so he had bread wif ham b4 he slept while i was giving him a massage. 3pm den went 2 take bus 2 go ballet class but den dis blur girl she saw no 12 which was after no 9 den she went 2 throw her can drink anyhow board d no 9 bus wifout looking n she kana shocked when she saw d bus turning in2 simei.. so she went arcade 2 c uncle, auntie licheng n wenjun 4 15 min. Coz no 12 bus stop 2 far den thgt might s well take cab. Glad 2 c every1 well n fine. Not 1st time board wrong bus coz nv look at no. tis like d 3rd time. N always happen take wrong bus b4 ballet class. Dis time waste $6 4 cab fare.

ballet class was gd 2day except that Ms Ho commented dat i shldn't throw my leg so high if it wasn't going 2 b straight n it was better 2 lift it at 90 deg wif a straight leg. N she said dat my flexibility wasn't there. Hope i can buck up n stretch more often, b MUCH more determined 2 lose 3kg so i'll b lighter 4 pointe wk. if i stil dun buck up, even if i make it thru intermediate dis sep i don't tink i can pass advanced I if i dun wk on my extensions n my pointe wk. I don't 1 2 stop dancing. i shld push myself harder coz i no i can do better than now. i may not b d best dancer but i can stretch n maximise my fullest potential. Really 1 2 take up argentine tango but i no 2 learn juz d basics will take a yr. Plus i no partner. coz dear not in2 dancing. den my violin lessons?? dunno can take next yr? Actually 1 2 take during uni yrs but $ is an issue. hmm. so many tings i 1 2 pursue but there's so little time n i'm getting older each day.

late 2 meet hui ting (650 instead of reaching at 630) coz i took 28 instead of d other 8s which r direct 2 interchange. Brain not wking well. we had a meal at long john TM n hui ting looked gd wif her permed hair thgh she seemed 2 dislike it n she was contemplating on cutting her hair. enjoyed juz talking 2 her. she's like my soul mate in d sense dat she can understand hw i feel n y i feel d way i do abt many tings. highly empathatic n a fren who provides a listening ear n never passes judgment on me when i do someting wrong. I'm fortunate 2 ve a best fren like her. Thgt dat i shld treasure my best frens Chun Ling n addy by calling at least twice a mth 2 catch up wif them n wat they r doing. i don't no how i can do wifout them. When i'm hungry or sumting they always buy fd 4 me 2 eat n care a lot 4 me. N d v least i can do is keep in touch n yet i can't even do such a basic ting. I'm ashamed of myself. :( but i'll wk harder on my frenships. hee, i thgt already if i'm getting married in d future i hope chunling n hui ting can b my bridesmaids. addy cannot already, coz she married already. But happy 2 c sunny n her building a new life 2gether. 5 yrs relationship n he's d guy she always 1ed. So loving. ") A bit sad thgh coz ling n ting not bery happy. ting just quit her stressful job den ling unhappy at wk. if only i can do more 4 them n cheer them up. I'm a lousy fren. muz consciously keep reminding myself 2 put my frens' needs b4 mine if i 1 2 change.

Ting n i went d pasar malam ard 10pm. I got dis backless brown chrochet top, sumting i always 1ed. N i had a reading again. d 2nd 1 dis yr. I'm 2 superstitious sumtimes but i'm always curious abt d unknown. it's like going 2 d fortune teller helps me understand myself better n esp now i'm at d time where i need 2 seriously consider my career options, d consultations r a useful guide 2 wat path i can pursue. basically dis was wat he said:

Character: Stubborn (i always get dis 4 readings), can't take hardship, cry ezily when i face an obstacle (eg kana bullied), wilful temper, timid, true in relations wif ppl, ppl gif free tings if i dun like i dun 1 it.

Money: spend $ like crazy. like sumting no matter hw ex muz get. Den not bad money luck.

Career: Shld pursue d arts or sports. Eg, modelling, dancing etc. Business totally out. Will face difficulty in my career but will ve help fr sum1

Health: No serious illnesses til i'm old n i had a serious condition when i was young (d time i nearly became an idiot coz i had high fever n kana fits, landed up in hospital wif drips n all)

Love: Passionate love relationships. throw my entire being in2 it.

Marriage: B a dutiful wife n mother in future (geez, dunno hw true dat'll b hope so ba.)

i thgt he was quite spot on so i got his hp no so i can consult him wif my dear 4 a compatibility reading in future.

I saw d apr issue of Maxim n d cover girl damn chio sia. hee, i tink i'll get it on mon coz i haven't read it b4 n dear said it's better than FHM which i enjoy reading. haha, i seem like sum lecherous tiko girl. bobian la, bisexual what 2 do?

24 Mar (Fri)
overslept at dear's hm den late 4 an hr 4 appointment wif yvonne. She seemed really pissed at me. but i dun blame her. She went 2 cut her hair while i was at Times reading. so many books i wanna get. i'm stil a book worm at heart. hee. D bks quite ex. All range fr $15-45. if i buy all 9 which i wana read i'm going superbroke sia. i tink it's over $200. After she finished we went 2 get sum bedding stuf which her ma asked her 2 buy. I bought 2 pillows, 1 4 dear dear 1 4 myself coz i thgt it seemed v comfy..

Den talked 2 yvonne at mac while waiting 4 wee wu. She said dat i've degenerated n i wasn't d girl i used 2 b in JC. I didn't no i was a girl who wldn't bow down 2 fate n had character in d past. Suddenly i've lost my morals n allowed myself 2 resign 2 watever life throws at me. i admit i always tink i'm wierd n i no i'm so flawed dat i hate myself. i can't help being pessimistic n cynical n i can't rem when was d last time i was happy. i'm trying v hard 2 change but it seems like i'm changing 4 d worse. i no she makes lotsa sense coz she's so rational while i'm d exact opp. I no d past experiences had shaped me in2 who i m 2day. i miss d girl who used 2 b optimistic n happy, always imagining her make believe world n who enjoyed life coz she loved learning. but it's difficult 2 turn back d clock. n there's no point in regretting anyting in d past coz i can't change my previous decisions. I'm trying 2 change my negative mindset, but i 1der hw much time i'll need. esp when i've lived wif this 4 d past 11 yrs,i've no idea whether i'll b successful in my quest 4 happiness.

We had dinner wif wee wu at dis jap restaurant in marina sq n i had ice cream 4 $9.20. We had a fun time chatting n later we went cavana coz it was much cheaper. It was enjoyable coz we cldn't stop laffing. went hm ard 10 fr city hall den went online 2 check mail b4 talking 2 ting on d fone.

23 Mar (Thu)
went dear's hm ard 815 den jus watched tv n slacked 2gether. slept quite early compared 2 usual days. But a little sad.

22 Mar (Wed)
Stayed over at dear's cca chalet til i left ard 5. Watched him play fatal frame 3 in d afternoon. Went 2 meet hui shan ard 7+pm. She treated me 2 MOS burger. d chicken was delicious. 1der if i was hungry or sumting. comforted 2 no she's getting on fine except dat she found her job boring. I guess wk life is really complicated n can cause ppl 2 b vexed. Had a great time talking 2 her n catching up wif wat had been happening in her life. I like dat she's so true 2 herself. She's frank n straightfwd: d type of frens i wld like 2 ve n not sum1 who's hypocritical n dense.

21 Mar (Tue)
Went dear's cca chalet after ballet class n at 815pm. read my First mag n new paper while dear play game.

20 Mar (Mon)
Went Allen's chalet at nite after meeting joseph 2 pass him his bday card n treat him 2 cookies. Chat wif joseph so long until my poor dear worried 4 me coz i din msg him. Sorry wor. supposed 2 read at 4pm den n up 8+pm den reach d chalet. ate so much bbq fd! I'm like a greedy pig! Talked wif dear at d beach.. v happy day.. ")

imlost...
inafairytale

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
3:52 PM

~a new beginning...~

I’m thankful I’ve a 2nd chance at putting tings rite. Dear dear I’m happy 2 change 4 my own gd n our rs. Sumtimes it seems dat 1 needs 2 lose sumting b4 realising dat d tings they lost means everyting 2 them. My love 4 my dear dear is growing deeper wif each passing day n dis incident brings us closer 2 each other. I understand him better now n it’s true it takes time 2 learn n understand a person.. I wld say I’m enjoying d process of discovery abt him n myself more. N I can better understand y he do d tings he do n try 2 look at his perspective instead of juz drowning in my own emotions wich cloud my judgment most times.. It’s true u’ve 2 sink d deepest abyss so dat u can b reborn n emerge stronger.. N everyting bcomes clearer n u will gain a deeper insight 2 wat u always 1 2 no or want in life.

Sunday 1st time I played pool at wk. My assistant supervisor, May, taught me hw 2 hold d cue correctly n break properly. Joe d snooker coach mentioned dat I can join his young cousin 4 a snooker lesson next sun “) he always says dat his sec 3 niece resembles me n he’ll try 2 get her 2 come.. hope she can make it next sun s it’s my last day of wk at pool haven.. curious 2 no whether we really look alike. Hoping 2 get my pay soon so I can ve lessons wif Joe so I’ll b able 2 play pool n snooker well.

Recently I’ve discovered I’m becoming senile.. 4get tings ezily (stuff I’ve done or said a while ago) n keep losing stuff.. sat, I left my soft ballet shoes n pointe shoes in d studio after class.. N I only realized it upon packing my bag when I reached hm.. juz an eg of hw old I’m progressing. My mem, hearing n sight r deteriorating at a rapid rate.. ve 2 go check my eyesight dis wk again coz I can’t c clearly wif my glasses n contacts. Having 900 deg myopia n >100 deg astigmatism in each eye at last check, I guess I’m becoming almost blind soon.. guess probably it’ll only stop getting worse after I finish my deg coz n I’ll need lasik 2 correct my vision which I’m afraid of..

Watched V 4 Vendetta on sat wif my dear dear.. It was fantastic!! I suppose those who disliked dis movie didn’t understand d political n philosophical meaning beneath it (Weird dat so many ppl disliked dis movie).. it’s not another mindless action movie s it’s portrayed in d trailer. If u go in expecting sum wham bam action, u will get ur kicks at certain scenes.. but certainly u’ll dislike it if u hate listening 2 long speeches or dialogues.. d dialogues were necessary 2 understand d ideology of freedom.. Althgh d setting was based in England, there was a parallel in our real life of US 2day.. d chancellor was an exaggerated version of George W Bush.. d government in d movie seems 2 b similar 2 d 1 in US.. n mention of terrorists n biological weapons? This is 2 coincidental 2 b juz another fictional movie. It’s like taking jibes at d way US is being governed. I agree wif d theme of idealogy being v important in moulding ppl’s destinies.. Even in death, embracing n having faith in wat 1 truly believe gifs meaning 2 1’s life..How powerful ideas can b, even more so than ppl who r living.. in real life, ppl are actually quite self-centred.. they dun value ideology coz in their lives they choose 2 value materialistic principles.. This movie is rather thgt-provoking: It raises d issue of wat freedom n loyalty is, whether it’s worth it 2 die 4 one’s beliefs n corruption in hierarchy, how fake n hypocritical ppl can b (wearing masks figuratively in day to day lives).. it’s rare these days 2 c such movies ard.. A political parody n satire disguised s a popcorn movie 4 d mainstream, which ironically pisses off d mainstream audience coz they feel they kana cheated when they dun understand d deeper meaning behind d movie... Hope more of such excellent movies r created… instead of d trash which r showing in d cinemas these days.. case in point look at Shaggy Dog.

After wk on sunday i went online, thgt I wld chat wif a fren whom I haven’t kept in touch 4 a while n he surprised me (shocked wld b more accurate). It’s like he suddenly told me he’s horny n stressed out.. N asked me 2 engage in phone sex wif him. Noing fully well I’ve a bf dis suggestion is way inappropriate n disrespectful.. n he said it’s not wrong since it’s not physical. I just felt dat throughout d whole time he was attempting 2 use me s his target 2 get off his sexual frustration. I kept explaining 2 him in a nice manner dat I wasn’t going 2 engage in dis type of discussion wif him.. N he decided 2 settle 4 a confession session instead.. n it’s related 2 sex again.. I mean hello? Wat has my sex life (or lack of) got 2 do wif u n he kept asking me how often I masturbate. If u r stressed or troubled I dun mind listening 2 ur problems but don’t ask me 2 do ridiculous tings like dis 4 u n treat me like sum kind of mechanism 4 u 2 jerk off 2. Jus pissed me off but somehow I managed 2 keep my composure n told him I was turning in n logged off fr msn. I’m broad-minded but this doesn’t mean I’m cheap or I’m comfortable sharing intimate details of my life wif u, even more so esp if u r just a normal fren. I’m entitled 2 details of my life n don’t force me 2 share this wif u if u r my fren. Just let me realize dat sum ppl can really b ridiculous. At least I no he’s not a true fren. When I said gdnite 2 him, repeated wa laus n argh punctuated d n of d conversation.. I cldn’t care less anymore. Tis is sexual harassment in my opinion. N he’s like 23 wif d immaturity of a 13 yr old wif raging hormones. It’s like he doesn’t respect me at all. Anyway, hope watever’s bothering him will clear soon n he stops behaving like dis.

Hee.. quite ecstatic I’ll b meeting up wif my frens this week.. esp since I haven’t kept in touch wif many of them 4 sum time due 2 my bz schedule of sch n wk since d start of d yr.. must make full use of dis wk.. 1der how’s every1 is getting on.. hope evry1 is doing well n fine.. hmm.. just feel dat I’ve v little time 2 enjoy my break.. 1 wk+ is really short! Looking 4wd 2 seeing my fave frens! “)

imlost...
inafairytale

Friday, March 10, 2006
10:47 AM

~2 god, if there really is 1 in d 1st place..~

M i a bad person? i mus b.. Ve i sinned so much in my past life dat u 1 2 punish me 4 my sins? I don't no how much longer i can take... If u meant 2 play a joke on me, u r winning. dis is a game i can't play anymore.. y do u let me experience a transient fleeting happiness only 2 take it away each time? Is it 2 mock or 2 torment me? I no there r many tings in life which can't b forced.. Like if d person u love is not happy wif u u've 2 let go.. Isn't it ironic when d same person is d only 1 who can make u happy..

i admit i'm weak.. i've little will 2 live.. I really don't 1 2 do d tings i do but everyting is getting unbearable.. how much longer can i face d world alone? i can't c d light.. there's no destination i can go 2. i can keep on trying but i'll fail in d n.. will i c grandma? Will she scold me 4 my foolishness? U can continue forcing me 2 d brink of exhaustion n i can't fight on.. wat can b worse than dis when u've tore my soul apart n d reason 2 carry on no longer exists.. D uncertainty beyond dis life no longer scares me.. . i fear only d present.. U r using d v means u no i can't withstand.. d cruelty of it all.. only d person whom u love d most can inflict d worst hurt on u yet he's not ur enemy..

i can't blame u or any1.. i'm juz a pawn in dis game. meant 2 b a fool.. meant 2 b hurt repeatedly n d cycle continues.. mayb d world will b a better place wifout me.. wifout me 2 add on trouble 2 ppl's lives or make ppl unhappy..

imlost...
inafairytale

12:29 AM

~The opp of love is not hate, it's apathy~

Drained emotionally, mentally n physically. Exhausted. Waiting 4 d breaking pt. Having questions wif no answers ..When ur world comes crashing down on u, d sun has stopped shining n all u c is the cold wilderness, u start losing hope. U try 2 reach out 2 it but d glimmer of hope starts fading n disappears fr ur sight.

When u lose d person who means most 2 u in ur life, how do u feel? If they don't hate u but r indifferent 2wds u, how long can u withstand dis? When u've lost d only purpose n meaning in ur life, how can 1 continue when all he can c is d n coming 2 nought? How much longer can 1 hang on? D saddest ting in d world is 2 ve d person u love most turn his back on u n treat u wif apathy. How can u stop d pain which is killing u inside?

How much longer can 1 perservere when each beat of ur heart hurts like a stab? Shedding countless tears when u relive d happy memories.. reming d simple but happy times watching tv 2gether, going 2 d movies, laffing 2 gether, having meals 2gether, seeing him smile makes u lose control. Sharing dreams of d future n suddenly everyting's gone in a flash, hw do u handle it? If in a day, a person suddenly ignores u n treat u s if u don't exist does it mean ur existence no longer means a ting 2 him? If he pushes u away, do u reach out 2 him? U can try 2 understand his viewpoint but if he refuses 2 say a ting wat can u do? Was it all an illusion or was it just a dream in which u've 2 awake sumday?

Ur imagination goes wild but u refuse 2 look at d present n instead seek refuge in d past memories. 4 it's d safest n most comforting.. drawing strength 2 live on, but d walls seem 2 b crumbling.. mayb it wld b much simpler if 1 lives 4 himself n not 4 d 1 he loves..

U wish 2 no hw he's feeling whether his heart weeps wif u. u 1 2 understand him, hope he's fine n not struggling wif his emotions inside but if he does not speak a word, does he 1 u 2 no? If he does this 2 make u give up, r u able 2 do so even if u no u can't gif up: 4 he has become everyting in ur life? U've never thgt of a life wifout him coz all u wish 4 is 2 b wif him, 2 look after him n b there 4 him 4ever. U always feared losing him n when this comes true, will u run away fr everyting when u no longer ve d courage 2 carry on living wifout him?

If only love was simple. since both parties love each other, y is it they can't b 2gether til d n? is it d lack of will or faith wich stops them? Or 1 or both parties dun 1 2 try anymore? Is love weak but we've been blinded by it 2 c that it's strong? What does I love u truly mean?

What if it seems s if he doesn't care anymore? What if he persists in doing so noing u'll b hurt but u can't let go? Wat if he refuses 2 tell u d truth? Is it 2 punish u 4 ur mistakes? But u can't force urself 2 b angry wif him or hate him.. 4 u can't stop loving him.. All u rem is d tenderness in his actions n words b4..

imlost...
inafairytale

Thursday, March 09, 2006
9:43 AM

~poem..~

In my deepest darkest hr i composed dis short poem 2 describe my feelings n thgts..

My heart was weeping as it laid shattered 2 pieces. Wld u mend it n put it back 2gether or let it die a sorrowful death? when d heart dies, d soul dies even as d body is living. Living becomes a fate worse than death when d heart bleeds n no longer beats. How can 1 go on living when d pain doesn't fade away n d heart no longer lives?

i hope i'll nv ve 2 feel like dis again. d devastation, disappointment, despair can b hard 2 bear. Everyting seems 2 intense n frightening dat i didn't no wat was real n whether i cld ever wake up fr d bad dream. i'm trying my best 2 overcome my own fears n understand matters of love n life. Althgh i no i''ll take sum time 2 recover, d hope is there dat i'll c d light at d n of it all. wish dat d stabbing pain in my heart wld get better...

imlost...
inafairytale

Tuesday, March 07, 2006
11:49 PM

~Thanx ppl~

Juz ve dis urge 2 thank all d ppl i know..

Thanx 2 all my 1derful frens 4 being there 4 me, esp addy, hui ting n chun ling. I don't no hw i can ever repay u ppl 4 d kindness u've showered upon me. I feel v happy that my family n frens ve been thru wif me on dis 22+yrs of journey. Other frens whom i'll mention r my classmates both past n present, thanx 4 helping me in my wk n in my personal life. Den there r other frens outside of sch who've been v kind 2wds me like Keng Chong n my godbro elfie. Thanx elfie, u r d only person who feels d same way s i do n u understand d tings i do, probably coz we both d same kind of ppl mah.

My dearest Mars bar thanx 4 always being there 4 me. I've been v happy 4 dis 72 days i've been wif u. I'm glad i've met u n althgh we ve sum disagreements deep in my heart u r perfect d way u r. Pls ve faith in urself k? It's gd dat u dun regret tings dat u've done. I'll try 2 learn dis wor. i no i can b quite stubborn at times n i'm sorry 4 saying a lot of tings which i dun mean n they can b v hurtful. i jus hope u'll always b happy.

I wld like 2 thank my parents 4 letting me c dis world. Indeed there r many beautiful tings i've seen, like compassion, kindness, helpfulness in ppl n it's jus 1derful. Pa n ma, sorry 4 making u upset. I haven't been d best daughter ard. Esp those yrs i've been rebellious n broke ur hearts. I really don't mean 2 do those tings. I'm trying 2 make tings rite n i hope u 2 can ve gd health n b happy 4 d yrs 2 come.

I no dis sounds mushy but i love every1 i no. :P thanx 4 making a difference in my life. ")

imlost...
inafairytale

Monday, March 06, 2006
1:16 AM

~i admit i can b a bitch at times~

I guess wat made me upset today is dat it took u an entire day 2 sms me n it was 0012 on my hp. Yes 1 shldn't play stupid mind games in relationships but i guess if an entire day goes by wifout d need 4 u 2 initiate an sms or a call, i'm not dat impt 2 u after all. I start asking myself m i a fool 2 initiate smsing or calling u 95% of d time? Shld i let u take d initiative? Y do i miss sum1 who takes so long 2 respond? M i dumb 2 try 2 make u happy? All these stupid questions pop up in my mind n i don't ask 4 them 2 appear.

n y is it sumtimes when we talk on d fone i've dis feeling dat u r detached n so far away? mayb i'm being 2 sensitive but sumtimes d tone in which u speak sound so hostile or bo chup 2 me. Yes i can't read minds n i don't understand u but i tink it goes both ways. u don't really understand me either. Watever i say u just go along wif wat i say. If i say i'm not meeting u till my exams r over do u really tink i wish u 2 say, " Ok. I tink dat's a gd idea. Den u can concentrate on ur studies." Seriously when u say anyting like dis, this is wat's going thru my head: U stupid a**hole. can't u tell i'm upset? N d more u try 2 n d conversation, d more pissed i'll feel. U make me feel like i'm so annoying n irritating dat u can't wait 2 get off d fone s soon s possible.

It hurts. It sux 2 feel dat way. Now i understand y they say men r fr mars n women r fr venus. Coz men n women speak n tink differently. When a woman says, "No, i'm not angry. " That's a fucking lie. We r programmed not 2 express rage or certain emotions. I shldn't expect u 2 read my mind. All dat stupid expectations i've of u, it's not u, it's me. My perfectionist idealistic standards of my Mr Right. When d name reader said I tended 2 expect a lot fr my partner n dat i wished he was more romantic, more humorous, more caring, more sensitive, more loving 2wds me, it's true. This guy doesn't exist. There's no1 so perfect. There'll nv b sum1 like dis in reality except in my dreams. Y can't i wake up 2 my senses n c dat there'll nv b sum1 who loves me so much n b everyting i've ever wanted?

Yes i hate myself 4 not being rooted in reality. Always lost in my own world. Thinking stupid thgts which r totally redundant n making myself feel crappy all the time. Can't i just b nonchalant abt everyting den life will b much ezier 4 me 2 bear? i'll nv b happy wif any1 except wif living tings that don't talk or non-living tings like my qoo cushion. I'm better off talking to them than 2 real ppl. Mayb i shld go back 2 those days i was like dis. I'm crazy 2 prefer dat. how pathetic, i can't handle ppl who ve their own mind n own responses 2 everyting. It's wierd but i tink dat at least when i talk 2 my fish i feel it's quite comforting n i feel much better. D same goes 2 my qoo even thgh he doesn't respond like my fish do.. Mayb i shld go back 2 rearing fish. N lose my sanity when i dun ve it in d 1st place.

I feel slightly better now not s upset s when i just started on dis entry. 2 d guy who means most 2 me, I'm not gonna call or sms u s often s i used 2. i'm waiting 4 u 2 make d move. i'm sorry abt d 2 smses which sounded so hostile. if u stil can't c y i'm upset, i really dunno wat i can do 2 make tings better. mayb i'm better off communicating wif my qoo. n if u tink u r d 1 who always give in 2 me, dat's not true coz i belif actions speak louder than words n till now i'm sure it's pretty clear wat d picture is like. N i really hope i can ve a normal conversation over d fone wif u close 2 100% of d time, not me feeling irritated or stressed up s u put it 4 d reasons i've mentioned above most times. I'm sick n tired of making d 1st move, n feeling like u dun give too much a damn abt me. N d whole point of dis stupid blog entry? i leave it up 2 u 2 interpret it d way u like.

imlost...
inafairytale