`tHe NeVeReNdInG fAiRyTaLe~hApPiLy EvEr AfTeR iS nOt ThAt FaR iS iT?` RyAn & MiNdY

Saturday, January 28, 2006
8:36 AM

~I'm sorry...~

Yesterday I was v tired fr waking up more than 5 times d day b4 even thgh i slept at ard 12. I guess dat was wat made me get pissed off wif my dear dear which was bery unfair 2 him. Nearly dozed off at wk a few times n thgt i cld ve gone hm by 7pm but den may asked me 2 cover 4 hakim til 9pm.

After i knocked off i called my dear dear n 4 no reason i juz started 2 raise my voice n complained abt him not bothering 2 call me at all n stuf like dat.. It seemed s if d resentment i had inside just sort of exploded.. I'm d 1 who calls abt 99% of d time n i thgt if he doesn't bother 2 call i cldn't ve mean t anyting 2 him. Funny ting is dat I no he does love me just dat i wished he wld just initiate calling me or smsing me sumtimes n i wld b contented. Also quite paisay coz sum of d customers near me looked at me s if I was sum crazy bitch when i started raising my voice. But i didn't care anymore. Actually i no y i lost my composure: partly i was damn tired n whenever i'm lacking of sleep i'll tend 2 fly off d handle v easily. another reason was dat i've a memory 4 d not so positive stuf which has happened or have been said b4.

I'm sorry 4 hurting ur feelings fr d horrible tings i said yesterday n not spending enuf time wif u coz of dis job. N when i told u dat this job was 2 reduce my reliance on u i wasn't lying. if i c u less n i dun tink so much abt u, i feel safer when i no dat u wun b able 2 hurt me if u r indifferent or if 1 day u decide 2 stop loving me. i just dunno hw 2 trust sum1 fully anymore. i 1na b close 2 u yet when I'm close 2 u i wana pull away coz i'm afraid u'll b juz like them. I'm afraid i'll get hurt again n i dun 1 2 b taken 4 granted. I no i tend 2 throw in all my heart n soul in my relationships n yet dis time i didn't do d same.. I'm afraid if tings doesn't wk out i'll get dat heartwrenching feeling again. I no dis time if sumting bad happens, i'll commit suicide, not attempt it. It's not dat i'm afraid 2 die: Death 2 me is someting inevitable. If i've 2 die i'll no matter wat happens. N i've seen n felt enuf gloominess in my life dat it's v ez 4 me 2 let go anytime. I just 1 u 2 no if anyting ever happens 2 me, i just 1 u 2 lead a happy life n not b guilty or sad. I admit i'm weak n vulnerable n this comes fr being emotional n having intense feelings in everyting i do. It's like when ppl r sad, i feel d sadness which is amplified abt 100x. When i'm happy, it's magnified a 100X 2.

Slept quite early last nite after gorging on a lot of fd coz i was quite miserable. actually i 1ed 2 call u n tell u dat i love u n pls dun take it 2 heart d nasty stuf i've said but my stupid pride prevented me fr doing so. also, i really did appreciate u calling me back yesterday yet, n up i flared up at u again. i didn't 1 2 let u sleep when u were feeling so down n i knew u'll n up not sleeping dat early. :( I knew u were v upset coz i felt it n so i slept so dat i wun b forced 2 tink abt anyting. when i woke up just now i saw ur msg n i teared when i read ur blog. I'm sorry i made u so upset. I'm sorry 4 being selfish n inconsiderate abt ur feelings. It's not u r not a gd bf, it's me dat i'm not understanding enuf n not trusting enuf. u mean a lot 2 me but i'm doing all d tings which will bring u further away fr me.

i really dun deserve u at all. I'm not gd enuf n u r 2 gd 2 me. Seriously, there r a million girls out there who r better than me in every single way n i'm just a nobody who doesn't ve a single ounce of self-esteem. There's dis nagging fear dat d happiness we've 2gether wun last coz i feel that heaven has dis warpped ting 4 me: Whenever i'm happy it'll take my joy away in a flash n i'm left 2 drown in d sea of darkness n gloom which i've been trying so hard 2 get away fr. actually dis whole mth when i'm wif u, i've been v happy just dat i may b hypersensitive 2wds sum stuf. it's like looking 4 d imperfection in a perfect world. I dunno y i'm like dis. Hope u'll forgive me..

Wat's d purpose of love u ask? sum ppl wld ans love is nothing but trouble yet ppl 1 2 look 4 trouble. others wld say it's a biological ting. yet sum other ppl wld say it's 4 companionship. 2 me, love is beautiful yet it defies all logic n reason. Love is irrational n all consuming. It's passion n being contradictory. It adds on sum spice 2 an otherwise empty n boring existence n gives a whole new perspective on wat life really is.. just my humble opinion..

imlost...
inafairytale

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
6:10 AM

~d turtle who's always slow..~

I've been awake for 20 hrs..slept 4 5.5hrs b4 dis.. sun n yesterday wk 12pm 2 12midnite but funny ting is i dun feel sleepy at all..Probably in d manic phase of my bipolar disorder..

yesterday had a short chat wif 1 of d national team player 4 snooker (d cool n super duper zhai type of guy). kinda surprising he actually can talk (n he actully can joke!?) coz normally he doesn't really say anything n just signed d form when i asked him 2. Got 2 no a customer daniel, reminds me of david.. d shy shy type yet frenly. Seems amazing dat diff pl can ve similar characteristics. mayb dat explains y every1 seems so familiar all d time.

Had a chit chat wif d cashier at BP. After 2 yrs+ of chatting, i finally no her name is Siok Hoon. Thanx 2 dis uncle who's damn joker. Urs truly tried on sunglasses den keep making comments. Crazy lor.. wat's wif guys who ve gfs always like 2 flirt? (fuck off la, consider ur gfs' feelings can? If we do d same ting 2 guys they'll make a big fuss.. Inequality of d sexes again!) Den d uncle damn wierd, can tell fr d crow's feet ard his eyes he shld b ard 35 but he refused 2 divulge his age. Anyway we did exchange hp nos, coz i didn't ve a bad feeling abt him n it'll b gd 2 ve frens OLDER than me 2. sumtimes sibei annoying ppl always tink i go 4 young boys. Damn man, since i was young i had more guy frens than gal frens except during certain phases in my life like sec sch. N I've always liked older guys >30 juz dat i've never had a chance 2 no such ppl. D preference 4 d younger boys tingie s relationship partners is after my stupid love experiences dat i'm sick n tired of guys who r in their 20s (i no these r generalisations n there r exceptions thgh: scheming, complicated, boring, uncaring, insensitive, selfish, love cheats, etc..) Younger guys r more fun n "innocent" thgh wif d information overload in d media these days, u can't b sure anymore :P .. Find their qualities kinda endearing: They r like this unmoulded piece of clay, raw yet it has d potential 2 b a beautiful piece of pottery. N they seem 2 b so full of ideals n aspirations sumting i used 2 ve but ve lost a long time ago.. Time flies..

Anyway, spoke 2 Siok Hoon 4 like 3 hrs plus n we looked at d 100 girls in FHM mag. N seriously I can't believe my eyes when i saw 1 of my ex classmates in there. I knew she wore revealing clothes last time but doing a spread 4 FHM is like woah!! Also saw sum girls i knew fr d supermodel competition tingie. Mayb our taste n expectations 2 exquisite liow, i tink i only liked 2 girls in there. Siok Hoon say seriously she tink all d girls couldn't make it. Geez harsh words 4 our own kind. But girls ve always been harsh on themselves in d 1st place.

Funny ting is my pa always speaks 2 Siok Hoon abt me n even asked her 2 advise me against being wif my ex, ws last time. Gee but she said she felt like not v appropriate 2 speak 2 me abt this kind of issue n anyway, dat was like d long distant past 4 me 2 b 4gotten. Imagine father n daughter always complaining abt each other 2 her, haha.. But at least i can c my pa quite concerned abt me, just dat he dunno how 2 express his feelings properly den n up i always du lan him criticising or nagging at me.

2day no wk, finally can rest after 2 consecutive days of wking 12 hrs. Can try 2 b more enthusiastic 4 my ballet i hope. N go 4 my ballet class regularly 2 times a week. Kin Wee mentioned dat dancers r sensitive n i agree wif that coz we ve 2 project our emotions in our dance 2 portray d feelings required in d dance. I find dat dancing is an outlet of expression 4 me. But i've been slacking n not being serious in my ballet classes, time 2 buck up or I'll not pass my intermediate exam in Sep this yr..

imlost...
inafairytale

Thursday, January 19, 2006
9:50 PM

~Teary eyed~

Nv take out my contacts last nite so i had 2 endure a whole day of tearing n swollen red left eye 2day. 2nd day of wk n all seems quite well n gd except y do i keep losing $1 or $2 worth of change??!!

Yesterday went jb wif guolin 2 buy new yr clothes n came back wif a black dress n a black bengish top 4 my dear dear.. guess i've 2 go shopping on tue 4 clothes at bugis village le. Took d bus fr bugis n up overshot n went 209 meet elfie n elisa 2 tok cock.. Halfway tokking huishan came along.. Abt 1130 took d bus hm den overshot again?! dis time by 1 stop. d jb trip quite tiring coz did a lot of walkin at 2 shopping centres.

Bro brought back d "hello doggy" 2 days ago n d poor dog had 2 stay d whole day yesterday in d toilet. If i was d dog my great sense of smell wld ve been destroyed by dis stupid move. 2 bad i dun really ve a ting 4 dogs.

Can't wait till sat 2 come so i can c my dear dear again. Miss him so very much. Separated by distance but connected in hearts. Will probably b moving out next yr jun mayb staying near my dear dear if my wkplace nearer 2 him.. 25 days 2gether.. 1 more wk 2 a mth..hopefully we'll make it 2 d 1800th day den we can carry out our 5yr plan..

Time really flies. N i can't help feeling old.. spotted deep lines ard my eyes.. i better start investing in sum anti-aging skincare.. V soon i'll reach 30 n i'm gonna b a v old woman by then.. 1der y i keep worrying.. Mayb i can't imagine hw immature i can b in relation 2 my age.

2 Comments:
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4:05 AM
Yvonne said...
Wah lau, your blog is damn mushy, full of you & your bf. Your bf's blog is just as bad!Btw, this is "Evonnie" as you like to call me. *cringes & makes face* Saw your blog link from your friendster profile. We need to have lunch together soon!!!
2:23 AM

imlost...
inafairytale

Wednesday, January 11, 2006
9:05 PM

~boring...~

it has been raining daily n i keep feeling cold n low.. today's my bro's 29th bday but i didn't get anyting 4 him.. coz he nv rems mine anyway..
Today d exam 4 environmental psy hopeless already. left after 40 min coz dunno wat 2 write.. studied only 2day coz everytime i sit n read i'll just fall asleep n d pattern continues..
my ex-supervisor asked me 2 wk s part-time cashier at a billiard saloon at clarke quay n i agreed coz i dun 1 2 wk s a production operator at motorola anymore. just feel like wking so i can buy many tings wif my own money. $ isn't everyting but without money u can't do a lot of things. Can't ve fun, can't buy bks, can't buy clothes, can't go out.. It's like a loss of freedom. I prefer having dat freedom 2 do d tings i 1..
Hopefully doesn't rain on sun so can go escape n ve fun.. n my mood will get better..

imlost...
inafairytale

Thursday, January 05, 2006
5:10 PM

~Day 4 reflection~

Yesterday sum tings happened 2 my dearest fren which made me experience an emotional rollercoaster ride. Brother, I felt v sad when u quarrelled wif ur gf. The words u used on each other when we were conferencing over d fone were so harsh that it made me 1der how 2 ppl who love each other so much can bear 2 hurt each other. Yes, I felt caught in d middle. I'm sorry u felt that i was siding wif her but u losing ur cool n temper was just not right. If u were 2 commit suicide yesterday, I'll never 4give myself coz I wasn't there 4 u 2 listen n stop u fr carrying out that act. I can understand hw u felt during that moment: That it wasn't fair when u r the 1 who gives more in d relationship n sumtimes u r treated not s wat u've expected. I just hope u can try 2 ctrl ur temper coz that rage n anger is scary n i no ur gf is afraid of u coz of that. When u give in a relationship, it's hard not 2 expect sumting in return. At d v least u hope that u'll b treated nicely by ur partner n dat they appreciate wat u've done. If u 2 were no longer 2gether i'd wldn't b happy also. I just hope u really mean wat u say dat u'll try 2 change. Coz it's not ez 2 find sum1 whom u'll love so madly in dis lifetime. It's all so ez 2 say let's break up when things aren't wking out but it takes more courage 2 hang in there n try 2 solve d problems.

Love is lots of hard wk. It isn't like wat we c in d movies so lovey dovey all d time n dat ez 2 manage. There is a lot of give n take, commitment, compromise, tolerance n understanding involved. Communication is v important especially when certain issues arise. It took me sum time 2 realise dat raising ur voice n shouting will not help matters n it'll just alienate ur partner fr u. Den if they've done sumting wrong, we have 2 try 2 forgive instead of harping on it when disagreements come up. I think it's v impt 2 find sum1 who can complement u n accept ur faults n shortcomings so that there wld not b any character clash.

Dear dear, I'm v grateful that u r in my life n I hope we'll never need 2 argue or fight. I've been v happy these days n just knowing that u r there 4 me no matter rain or shine brings a smile 2 my face. When I look in2 ur eyes i can c d concern, care n love. Sorry4 always staring at u when we r 2gether. Can't help it :P. U r the most amazing person who has appeared in my life n I hope I can share everyting wif u excluding bad things or events which i hope will fall on me only n not on u.

Lately, I've been feeling rather stupid. Mayb being in a happy state of mind makes ur mind empty. I never knew wat was it like 2 b happy other than d time when I was still a 5 yr kid. N I've been envious of ppl who seem 2 b able 2 achieve dat. But beyond d surface, there lies something beneath which contradicts the image we c. The seemingly happiest ppl r actually sad souls deep inside n they've 2 present a happy image 2 ppl evryday. I 1der hw they r able 2 do dat. It's v difficult to conceal hw u feel inside n do something else. It's like lying 2 urself each n every day. I just wish u can b truly happy n not ve 2 suppress wat u feel inside just coz society n other ppl expect us 2 give them dat happy face. Sumtimes ppl can b v fake n superficial n they just 1 2 c wat they 1 2 c. N up we've 2 entertain their whims n desires. If they were truly our frens, they wldn't leave us in d lurch when we r in d pits n not expect us 2 entertain them wif some silly happy image we feel forced 2 upkeep. N I'm not afraid 2 no dat I've never been popular coz i don't 1 2 entertain ppl anymore. I'm not a clown n I'll lead my life s i like. I don't 1 2 live my life s a lie n lose myself. I just 1 2 b true 2 myself n dat's d best life i can lead.

1 Comments:
Ras said...
dear..i wanna be wif u even in ur greatest dispair moments..i wanna share e pain u're feelin..i wud rather mi havin those pains den 2 see u in any sorta pain..
11:50 PM

imlost...
inafairytale

Monday, January 02, 2006
9:06 PM

~A new yr finally!!~

Since dis procrastinator hasn't been able 2 start on her portfolio she'll just blog her thgts 4 d day.

Instead of new yr resolutions which will never work out, i'll put my new yr wish list here instead:

My New Year Wish List 4 2006

A sony ericsson W800 hp
Gd results for my dear dear's studies
Gd results for my own studies
A new wardrobe wif more jap influence (age is catching up wif urs truly, she has a few more yrs 2 experiment b4 she has 2 dress her age)
A better job wif more $
a portable dvd player
more gd movies 2 break my 29 movies record 4 2005
being able 2 keep in touch wif frens more frequently
an mp3 player
more interesting lectures n tutorials so i wun skip sch all d time
more gd looking students, lecturers or tutors who'll provide more motivation 2 come 2 sch(can't help it, Just being v visual oriented)
My parents ve gd health n b happier than in 2005
I'll grow taller
I can lose 5 kg (ok dis wish has been on since 2004, wat d hell..)
Not being a psycho magnet anymore (I'm pissed off. i detest n hate psychos but somehw i attract them, Fuck off, don't mess wif me or i'll do sth n it ain't gonna b pretty)

Yesterday i let off sum baggage off my shoulders n i'm glad i did so. Thanx dear dear 4 being understanding. I appreciate ur support 2. Quite worried abt ur cough.. Hope u can sleep earlier n take gd care of ur health.

Hmm, my neighbor's wedding day 2day but i nv go coz my ma 1 2 save $ lor. Seems like evry1 is getting married these days. hope it'll b my turn in 5 yrs time. Suddenly all dat maternal instincts is kicking in. N ma said she wldn't b surprised if i've a shotgun wedding. Doh my ma tink i like those jap pop stars meh... I 1 2 ve a stable career earning lotsa $ b4 i tink of settling down. can't imagine myself s a mother.. omg.. everyting seems so far away yet so near. scary... i feel s if i'm inching closer 2 death n none the wiser.

2 Comments:
Ras said...
dun grow any taller le lahz..so tall liaoz..if not next tym i'll ve 2 tilt my head 2 look into ur eyes..
11:36 PM
candy said...
I'm wishing 4 d impossible u no.. now over 22 le can't grow taller liow.
2:06 PM

imlost...
inafairytale