`tHe NeVeReNdInG fAiRyTaLe~hApPiLy EvEr AfTeR iS nOt ThAt FaR iS iT?` RyAn & MiNdY

Saturday, December 31, 2005
3:18 AM

~I just 1 2 b wif u~

1der y my dear dear n i r so crazy abt each other dat we can't sleep when we r 2gether. I never tire of looking deep in2 his eyes n i can't help tinking i'm d happiest n most loved woman in dis world. Every action n word fr him is filled wif kindness n gdness. Dear dear i promise u dat i wldn't smoke n i'll keep dis promise. I've no regrets in making u my choice.. I'm v fortunate dat u choose 2 love me n gif me ur heart. Even when we r not exchanging words wif each other just being wif u makes d moments 2gether v special. when i c u smile, i share d same feelings s u. I'm glad i got 2 no u s a fren b4 we got 2gether even thgh there was no love at 1st sight. I promise i'll b there 4 u always no matter wat happens n i won't give u up. U also no i wun make promises easily unless i no i can keep them. Thanx 4 brightening up my life.

1 Comments:
Ras said...
hee..nice confession..i gt wad u mean..so sweet..>.< 11:31 PM

imlost...
inafairytale

Thursday, December 29, 2005
12:15 AM

~Falling in love..~

These few days i've been at a loss of words.. not coz i'm depressed but coz i'm too happy. It all started on a crazy x'mas day.. I was amazed at my dear dear's courage 2 confess his feelings 2wds me or else we wld never b 2gether in dis lifetime most probably. But d actual day we got 2gether is boxing day which coincided wif addy's ROM day..(secretly, i hope i can ve d same rom day if we ever make a firm committment)

I think i understand wat's love supposed 2 b like.. Love is not meant 2 b selfish, mean or unkind. It embodies all d positive elements such s being considerate, caring n being there 4 d other party. I no if i treasure my dear dear we'll b able 2 walk d long path of life ahead of us 2gether. It's not ez 2 find sum1 who'll accept u 4 ur flaws n ve similar attitudes n beliefs s u do.

All of a sudden, d sun seems 2 shine even when it's raining, there's a spring in every step u take n u just can't stop wearing dat silly smile on ur face. I guess if i've 2 give up d rest of d forest 4 dis tree, i'd not mind. U can't b greedy. Besides wat looks gd on d outside usu hides an ugly interior within. I've always thgt god was fair in a way. U can't ve everyting u 1 in life. there'll b compensating factors in certain flaws we've. Even d person who seems 2 ve gd looks, money, success may not b s perfect s he/she seems.

2day was d last day of environmental psych tutorials. I realised dat i dun dislike tze min anymore. she was quite sweet 2 buy so much snacks 4 us 2 eat while we all did d summaries 4 d sub. Mayb i'm getting more mature in a way. N not imposing my crazy perfectionist character standards on ppl anymore.

I'm sumhow v lucky 2 ve frens who r there 4 me thgh i haven't been d best fren ard.. I can b rather irresponsible n nonchalant at times but it doesn't mean dat i've 4gotten wat they've done 4 me. Just that dis crazy gal has mood swings n when she's upset she might not feel like talking n she chooses 2 isolate herself fr d rest of d world. It's a matter of our own attitudes n beliefs of dis world. If u believe d world is bleak u can b v rich yet feel extremely poor spiritually. I always thgt i dun deserve 2 b happy but actually it's of my own thinking n dis was d cause of my unhappiness. If i adopt a more ez going approach 2 life, life isn't dat hard 2 lead. Dat day i was reading Sunday Life abt cancer patients n they go thru pain everyday. Wat r my problems compared 2 theirs? I can't imagine d pain they've 2 experience daily n i HATE pain. If their will 2 live is so firm n strong hw can I give up d moment i suffer a setback? Nowadays I'm more sensitive 2wds sad movies n media reports n i can't help weeping.. Emotional? Not surprising. But if I can't empathise wif other ppl, I'm s gd s dead. It's uncomfortable 2 experience certain emotions but i guess growing up involves vulnerability.

2005 is ending soon n i've dis feeling dat life will take a new turn in d 2006 fr d negativity last yr n dis yr. I can't wait 2 take my class 2B license n graduate so i can apply 2 b a police officer. I really hope i get accepted coz i believe dis will aid in my growth n maturity. D new yr holds so many new prospects, hopes n wishes. I've never been more optimistic than ever in my life.. Has love got sumting 2 do wif it? Absolutely. ")

2 Comments:
Gary Freedman said...
Glad to hear you've found contentment. As for me, I'm just a lonely, tired, frustrated old man.
2:34 AM
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3:31 AM

imlost...
inafairytale

Sunday, December 25, 2005
4:48 AM

~x'mas eve~

2day i spent d whole day outside hm.. Met elisa at 3pm bugis mrt station. We had lunch at swenson's at bugis junction. I had dis amazing sambal chilli salmon which filled me up quite nicely while elisa had fish n chips. We took some neoprints n dis couple in front of us were so engrossed in their PDA until they didn't no it was their turn n i had 2 tell them..

After dat we went bugis village 2 get d pressies n i managed 2 buy 2 skirts 4 myself. One was dis asymmetrical purple skirt which i wore in place of my maroon miniskirt which kept riding up my waist n another was this double tiered knee length skirt wif little flowers. After elisa n i had gotten our stuf we went TM to get another gift. We had a pack of large fries at mac's n sum drinks.

I met S after that to pass him his bday present so he suggested heading 2 his hm where he'll take a shower den we'll take d bus 2gether 2 go 2 our respective destination. I was surprised he stayed in sum pte housing coz i told him i wld wait 4 him at d void deck of his hm n he replied dat he doesn't stay in hdb flat n dat i looked down on him. But seriously i prefer guys who stay in hdb flats. They r sort of more grounded n down 2 earth compared 2 those rich families' sons. Definitely less spoilt which is more appealing. I kind of dislike rich ppl coz 99.9% of d time they got this fucked up snobbish attitude.

Dat guy kept asking me 4 a relationship even thgh i made it clear dat i wasn't interested. i think it was abt 2 weeks of incessant asking over msn n then today face 2 face which he did d 2nd time. I don't understand y we can't remain s frens. i thgt he was an alright guy but den wat he did 2day made me realise he's a fucking petty juvenile who may b older than me but immature in mentality. I got kinda fed up at one point while we were on d way 2 his hm near dis playground n i just retorted," I don't 1 2 b attached coz i enjoy being single n going out wif different guys every nite." That ass just stopped there n we ended up like arguing. N urs truly got really pissed when he said he looked down on girls like dat. Is he fucking stupid or wat? Any normal person can c i was using that s a lame excuse 2 get away fr d "Can u b my gf" crap. N he told urs truly to just walk by herself straight up ahead n make a turn 2 d bus stop. At least he cld ve walked me 2 d bus stop 2 show he was gentlemanly or sumting. But he didn't n said no 1 wld b stopping u fr leaving. FUCK dat idiot. Childish kid. I've never felt so insulted in my life.

So she made her way 2 meet alan, keng chong n d others 4 robin's bday at east coast park. She met andy whom she hadn't met 4 a long time n he seemed 2 b getting on well which was great. I sort of mistaken robin 2 b d other younger robin who used 2 wk at hyper station but they didn't mention in d 1st place, mayb they thgt i knew him. He's quite a tall interesting guy n he invited me 2 drink which i drank only slightly less than half a mug. Got a headache which lasted 4 a few hrs after that. N alan kept drinking on my behalf until he puked. Kind of felt extremely guilty. she shld ve stopped alan fr drnking when his face was flushed even thgh he replied that he was ok when i asked him. Sm jason also drank on my behalf. Funny ting is robin mistook alan 2 b pursuing me which i had 2 explain 2 him dat it was not d case. (just coz i lent my shoulder 4 alan 2 lie on in Celine's car) Robin also drank like crazy n ended up we've drunk ppl everywhere. didn't really no wat 2 do in dis kind of situation. Took a while b4 we all went hm n i left my pressies n my clothes on celine's car. Guess i was getting old.

2day i was thinkin: y my blog so empty? gee, i'm such a tech idiot. plus i dun ve a digital cam 2 take self pics. actually i love taking pics 4 ppl. besides wif dis new scanner i've no idea how 2 scan pics even if i've any. Plus hw 2 upload d pics on2 dis blog thing?! Actually i just ve dis online diary ting 2 record my thgts. I threw all my diaries coz pa wldn't stop going thru my things n i dun feel comfortable letting him no wat i'm doing outside or wat i'm tinking. Althgh pa noes i'm not exactly a gd girl, I dun 1 him 2 no who i really m. I'm afraid of my failing memories. I guess everyting which has happened in my 22 yrs of existence has become blurred n i dun seem 2 rem details anymore. So i thgt i better keep dis habit of writing my diary again.

Talking abt love. I find it irritating when ppl u dun like just like u n wldn't get d hint when u do not reply their smses or calls n yet they wun give up. It's absolutely annoying. I sort of give up on sw coz he made it clear 2 me dat he doesn't ve any more feelings. U can't force such things. don't like is don't like. which leads me 2 ask myself whether i've ever loved any1 b4. I guess mayb not. How is it dat i can get in2 relationships so easily when 1 has ended? always felt i needed sum1 2 b there 4 me or else i'll feel empty. But now i realise being single is gd 2. U've more time 2 urself n u dun ve 2 ans 2 any1. Actually, i guess i never like 2 ans 2 any1. I like 2 do my own things s n when i like it. Probably wilful in a way.

I don't need a man 2 complete me. I need 2 build up my self esteem n love myself more instead of just settling 4 ah beng guys who dun suit me. I'm tired n weary of relationships which wun last. D whole rebel thing makes me sick of myself. Mayb guys just pick up on those lonely vibes i give. If i'm confident, they probably wun trick me in2 being wif them perhaps. I feel like a hunted prey sumtimes n i really ve no idea when a guy is sincere. When they r pursuing u, they'll make themselves appear 2 b d most 1derful guy on earth. N stuf like i'll love u n look after u? I'll b faithful 2 u? all a whole load of bullshit. I 1 2 make sure d next guy i'm wif will b my husband n not ve sum stupid relationship which last 4 a mth. there's no point in it. I'd rather b single my entire life than 2 fall in n out of love all d time. sort of become numb n emotionless now. probably will b a lesbian if a girl takes a fancy 2 me which i haven't had d chance yet. Men? I dun understand them n i don't 1 2 love them anymore.

imlost...
inafairytale

Wednesday, December 21, 2005
1:39 PM

~Empty n alone~

Missed my tutorial again 2day due 2 oversleeping n stomachache. :(

Yesterday I had a hell of a great time wif tommy n guolin at Johor. D 2 guys were really crazy always kidding n fooling ard. We went city sq 1st 2 buy tix 2 Chronicles of Narnia (Reallly cheap man RM 6 nia) b4 heading 2 International Plaza 4 kfc 4 lunch. We managed 2 catch a chiobu there but alas she had a KID n probably was married. The guys weren't kidding when they mentioned finding a chiobu in Johor is tough.. I tink d chances of spotting a pretty girl is lower than striking lottery. d guys were cute thgh but mostly quite beng. I managed 2 get a pair of white shoes 4 RM 12! Thanx 2 Tommy n his bargainin! Anyway, it was coincidental 2 c Yvonne at city sq n d guys saw sum of their frens ard. Wierd man can't even get 2 c our frens ard in sg but come here can c them.

After lunch we went back 2 city sq 2 watch d movie but we were late! coz guolin bought his stupid milkshake fr mac while we went 2 d restrooms n up we kept running up n down the ticketing office as we went 2 search 4 him. Narnia was great but I cldn't help thinking there was sum sort of a paedophile-victim relationship btw d small girl n d forn. Mayb I was thinking too much. Hmm. 1der y thruout d trip I keep tinking of sw. Mayb coz we came Johor 2gether a couple of times so couldn't help feeling strange without him. Kinda shopped ard b4 heading to a hawker centre for dinner. The fd was great except 4 d chee cheong fun. We had chilli stingray, oyster omelette, hor fun, chee cheong fun n chicken wings. The banana milkshake was fantastic. Not like d diluted versions we'll get in sg. After dat heavy dinner we were bloated n we made our way back 2 city sq 2 get our bus tix back 2 sg.

Customs there sibei du lan this fellow. He kept staring at ppl's pics for like 3 times n our line was d only 1 not moving. Made us miss our bus n we only reached bugis at ard 11pm when we cld ve gotten there earlier. Well we all went hm since it was 2 late 2 do anything else.Actually I thgt I cldn't sleep but I did after my bath.

Anyway, kinda strange i still can't stop thinking abt sw. I've dis stupid urge 2 call him n just tell him i miss him a lot but i don't think we'll wk out, not when he has no feelings 2wds me now. If only he missed me a little, I don't mind being foolish. Mayb I'm just lonely n not that I stil love him. How can I love him when he doesn't feel d same way s I do?

imlost...
inafairytale

Sunday, December 18, 2005
9:33 AM

~Tired but can't zzz~

I realised I had watched 30 movies till now.. Watched King Kong wif Wee Wu at 355 n got hm abt 8+. Another day of staying awake again??!!

imlost...
inafairytale

Saturday, December 17, 2005
3:53 PM

~a brand new start 2 2006..~

Yesterday was rather eventful. I broke my own record by staying awake 4 37.5 hrs fr thu 4pm 2 sat 530am. Normally dis crazy gal wouldn't b able 2 tahan 24 hrs w/o sleep but i guess i just wanted 2 try 2 push my limit. Quite fun actually.

Yesterday met up wif guolin n tommy at katong sc after sch ard 530 . d 2 guys stil don't seem 2 change much fr jc, stil s jovial s ever. They were screaming their voices out at teo heng ktv. This mouse could barely muster a squeak but she stil sang a few songs 4 fun n 2 take over fr tommy whose voice had become hoarse. At 6 we went to ve Katong laksa 4 dinner b4 heading out 2 meet guolin's cell group frens (Jeremy, Hui Zi, Hui Ling) n tommy's fren (Dennis) at Paya Lebar. Went 2 attend Guolin's cell gp meeting at his gp member's hm. Got 2 no some ppl unfortunately my short term memory not wking v well. I only rem d leader of dat meeting was Patricia n we had fun singing christmas carols after an icebreaker game n sum serious hymn singing n going thru sum verses in d bible. All i knew was i was trying hard 2 keep awake during all dis time. We had pizza n this greedy girl had 3 slices. Bloated s hell n she made a remark dat she'll tabao d remaining pizza. (d fate of d pizza? Got left at TM mac's. look like idiots carrying dis big box everywhere) N ppl really took her words. Anyway, she broke a chair coz she was 2 HEAVY.

Actually 1 2 go out cheong 1 but guolin wore bermudas n sandals so d plan was called off. Den 1 2 go sit down chat chat den kana dua by guolin den tommy. So left only dennis n I who were stil not in d mood 2 sleep or go hm. We went 2 catch Perhaps Love at 1240am. reached hm ard 6am n went str 2 sleep...

Didn't regret watching dis show coz it was excellent. Sort of stirred up those emotions I had when i was in love n out of it. Basically these 2 main characters Jian Dong (played by who else but d droolworthy Jin Chen Wu) n Sun Na (played by Zhou Xun) were lovers before both of them got famous as actors. However, due 2 d ambitions of Sun Na 2 become a top actress, she chose 2 gave up his love 2 pursue her aspirations. Along the way, Sun Na forsaked her dignity sleeping around wif any1 who would give her a chance to act in movies n yet Jian Dong forgave her repeatedly n waited 4 her 2 come back 2 him each time. It was not meant 2 b when she didn't return for more than 10 yrs for a stretch. d 2 former lovers met s actors in director Nie Wen's (Sun Na's new lover) movie when Jian Dong chose this particular assignment 2 c Sun Na again. It was heartwrenching 2 hear Jian Dong's thgts on d recorder where he returned each time 2 d hm they used 2 stay 2gether when they were both poor. I think in real life it wld b near impossible 2 find a guy who wld love a girl so madly n wait 4 her 4 such a long time. The scene where Nie Wen mentioned that slapping 1's partner was giving up d right 2 love d person tugged at my heart. I recalled similar incidents when i did that 2 ws. It was more of disappointment n anger when i did that. D pain in ur heart is beyond description when u choose 2 lash out in dis violent way. The parallel between reel n real life in d movie was unmistakable. However, d ending was different in that it was not d typical boy n girl got 2gether. I think d part where Sun Na played d recording which Jian Dong left behind after they got back 2gether left a great impression. In it he says 2 Sun Na: "U make me love the person I despise d most n I despise myself for that. U make me hate myself. " If u ve true feelings 4 sum1 n they betray u or let u down, this love can turn in2 an intense hatred. It's not ez 2 4give when some1 disappoints or inflicts pain on u n u love dis person very much. It's not hard 2 c y u wld 1 2 seek revenge by hurting this person back 2 reduce ur pain yet it actually inflicts more pain when u do that. Love contradicts. We wld like 2 tink of love s a positive wonderful thing yet in actual fact it can bring out d worst in ppl. In real life, love is a cheap commodity. D increasing nos. of ONS, sweet nothings whispered by men 2 get women 2 give up their bodies 2 them, infidelity n choosing 2 give up relationships instead of wking them out just goes 2 show that love has no place nor value anymore. Society views sex s more impt over love n I'm sure that's a bad ting. I can't help not believing in love coz it doesn't seem 2 exist anymore.

2 sw who mentioned that he'll love me n take care of me, pls eat ur words. After 1+ weeks of being 2gether u changed ur attitude n just wldn't care anymore. Y did u choose 2 do dis when I've fallen in love wif u? I feel dat being alone is much preferred 2 being wif u. Ur apathy 2wards me hurts d most compared 2 being cheated on. I can't bring myself 2 hate u. I learnt 1 ting: that there r many guys like u out there who toy wif girls' feelings. U make me c dat there's no such ting s true love coz it doesn't exist when u ppl treat love s a game. I 1 2 4get d way u hold me in ur arms n everyting u've said coz it doesn't mean a ting 2 u. U've never loved me fr d beginning n all that elaborate show u've put up disgusts me. d wierdest ting is I can't get u out of my mind. i've learnt my lesson dat I shldn't ve fallen in love wif jerks at all, esp when they try 2 touch u wif their honey coated language 2 pursue u like a prey. I wish I can hate u so I'll feel much better.

imlost...
inafairytale

Thursday, December 15, 2005
8:24 PM

~NumB~

lately been tinking a lot. abt life, family, love, friends.mayb that explains d increasing no. of white hairs on my head.

Life*
stil haven't found d true meaning of it. R we born 2 die? living life s a monotonous routine. d typical sg life: baby. grow up. study. wk. get a gf/bf. get married. ve kids. get sick. den die. Mayb i'll never grasp d meaning of it even til d day i breathe my last breath.

Family*
It took me a while 2 realise i love my family. no matter wat happens the blood ties link us 2gether. I guess they r d only ppl who'll love me unconditionally. No matter wat i do or change, they'll always b there 4 me. I'm sorry 4 disappointing them esp s i grow up, i get more rebellious. I sumtimes 1der how i'll cope wif d grief when any1 in my family passes away, den i'll regret all d tings i shld ve or shldn't ve done.

Love*
Wat is love? 2 ppl getting together 2 avoid d stone cold loneliness which comes fr being single? My dream ideal of love: even in death we won't love another. so difficult 2 attain. These days love is so shallow. All of us will keep trying 2 find sum1 else everytime a relationship ends. I'm sick of that routine. Mayb i'm not fated to love any1 or meet d 1 who'll love me. I haven't met dat sum1 who has given me dat feeling dat we'll last. I don't 1 2 get 2gether wif sum1 n then break up. I'm not ready 2 try or get hurt again. It's 2 tiring. It takes 2 2 make love work but it seems it's v difficult these days.

Frens*
They r always there 4 me. But m i there 4 them when they need me? I don't think I'm a gd fren. It's like sumtimes u no ppl care 4 u but u consciously push them away.

Mayb it's just d depressive soul speaking. Don't understand myself sumtimes. I no i can b happy but i choose 2 b unhappy. Mayb i just need Prozac.

I hate thinking. But i can't help it. guess it's d way i m. I'll try 2 b optimistic even thgh i no i'm a pessimistic girl beneath.

imlost...
inafairytale