`tHe NeVeReNdInG fAiRyTaLe~hApPiLy EvEr AfTeR iS nOt ThAt FaR iS iT?` RyAn & MiNdY

Tuesday, February 21, 2006
5:38 AM

~Wat a f*%$ed up company!!~

Yesterday only managed 2 sleep ard 6am..Actually dun 1 2 sleep 1 but got v tired after speaking wif my dear dear 4 hrs on d fone. N up slept til 11 plus by den d 1st tutorial was over.. Went back 2 sleep n up woke up wrd 230 n ma did me a favour by sending me 2 sch. Reached sch ard 330pm.. At least managed 2 capture part of d lecture..

After sch went 2 enquire abt my pay cheque 4 jan.. N guess wat? D damned co decided 2 use MY PAY 2 pay their suppliers or watever not??!! Damned bloody fucking irritating. N d worst part was i was not d only 1.. Another part-timer also kana d same ting. N best part was d gal fr d finance dept told me that my pay might b delayed by 2 weeks or 1 mth. At d v least it wld only b common courtesy 2 tell me wat d hell was going on rather than left me stranded down there. A fuck la, feb ending n u expect ppl wk 4 free 4 2 mths or wat?! I kept my composure thruout coz i was going 2 wait till 10 next mth 2 c if they r going 2 pay me EITHER cheque for jan or feb. If they don't urs truly is going 2 quit n get her ma 2 use her screaming skills 2 get my salary back.

Felt light-headed n nauseous while covering d tables ard 10+. Mayb it was d time of d mth s usual or my stupid diarrhoea wich was sapping my energy i don't no. Had lor mai kai 4 supper coz d beef burger n mashed potato fr 7-11 didn't fill me up nicely s i thgt they wld.

Got hm n read my mag.. den smsed my dear dear n fell asleep.. slept ard 2 n woke up ard 444am. 4 these past few days been enjoying bliss wif my dear dear n i probably wldn't b able 2 live w/o him.. i've given him my utmost trust n i no longer feel insecure tat he wld leave me 4 any reason.. N since he has given me his word i juz 1na keep my faith in him n us.. feels like a renewed honeymoon period again.. hope we dun ve those bo liow petty quarrels wor.. I'll 1 2 love my dear dear more wif every passing day n try 2 communicate wif him better.. jus dat sumtimes simple-minded me don't understand d msg he trying 2 get across n up we misunderstand each other... gee.. I'll try not 2 over analyse d content of wat he is saying.. even if he sounds angry i'll try 2 give in.. Just 1 us 2 last this lifetime if not 4ever..

imlost...
inafairytale

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
9:14 PM

~Valentine's day...~

1st 2 go on abt yesterday, i rushed like hell coz i was late 4 sch. D best part was i didn't check my timetable 2 c dat there wasn't any lessons in d afternoon! Cld ve met up wif my dear dear much earlier b4 i went 4 my 630pm ballet class.. He seemed a little disappointed dat we cldn't meet up 2 mayb go out when he msged me in d morning. It happened dat i only realised my stupidity when my bus was travelling at river valley rd.. In d n i took a cab 2 tampines 201 after taking d bus 2 douby gaut coz there wasn't much time 2 slack at hm even if i went hm.

Had a chit chat wif keng chong n simon. Den spotted a pink bag at d hp shop where keng chong used 2 wk n he paid 4 me 1st. Quite broke after spending on stuf 4 myself n my dear dear. Den went his hm wif jason who helped me carry my heavy bag. Actually i was quite happy 2 c him but he seemed so distant. Mayb coz his frens were ard: he didn't hug me or wished me a happy v day. i was a bit sad but i tried 2 brush off dat feeling. Had 2 go 4 ballet class so i passed him his v day gift n card 1st. cldn't concentrate during class when i saw his msg dat he felt guilty abt not getting anything 4 me. Didn't 1 2 make him feel worse than he already was. At least 1 person feeling upset is better than 2 feeling d same way. Althgh technically he felt quite crappy 2 begin wif. Actually, i didn't expect at all dat he didn't plan 2 celebrate d day at all: i thgt if we r going 2 meet we probably will exchange pressies n ve dinner 2gether thgh i wasn't expecting sumting ex. mayb sumting handmade or a sweet letter wld b a nice gesture. There's sumting i really 1 which i tink sum ppl no n i thgt mayb who knows he might surprise me. I tried 2 comfort myself dat v day was just an overhyped n commercialised day n dat he probably doesn't celebrate this day at all. But it was tough hiding d disappointment. Mayb i shldn't ve any expectations, mayb it seemed like i nv bothered abt him at all in his heart. Deep down inside i no i'm a sucker 4 romance thgh i don't show it 2 much. On another hand, i attempted 2 reason wif myself dat normally he treats me quite well n he had gotten me bday pressies n celebrated my bday wif me, listened 2 my ranting n raving abt d stupid jerk asshole who broke up wif me 1 day b4 my bday when we weren't 2gether yet even thgh we knew each other only since aug 20 2005. I was quite touched dat some1 remed my bday n was willing 2 celebrate wif me on dat day esp when i was at an all time low at dat time. Did feel slightly better but somehow it seemed difficult 2 shake off dat uncomfortable feeling.

Mayb it isn't right 2 ve expectations abt ppl when u do stuf 4 them. U can try doing things 4 ppl n it shld b out of ur own free will. If ppl appreciate ur efforts dat'll b great, if they don't, sumtimes u r left feeling like a fool or disappointed. Guess everyting dat we do comes wif strings attached. Kinda sad but hw true. I try 2 show more care n concern but seems like d harder u try d ezier it is 4 ur intentions 2 backfire on u. Ppl either misinterpret ur intentions, take u 4 granted or don't give a damn. i ve dis tendency 2 increase my expectations of ppl whom r close 2 me esp family members n close frens. try 2 not take them 4 granted in return n rem watever kindness or tings they ve done 4 me so i can repay them in d future thgh i tink it'll nv b enuf.

Some1 told me recently not 2 put in 2 much at d beginning of d r/s since it is just starting out but i feel u can't use $ 2 measure d extent of d rs. i tink it's ok 2 spend some money or time on d person u love coz it's worthwhile when u look at d delighted smile on his/her face. I'll do all i can 2 pls d 1 i love n 2 c him happy but sumtimes it comes across s if i'm trying 2 hard. Some ppl say it's stupid n a girl shld always let d guy love her more n shower his love n att on her n not d other way round but i don't enjoy playing dis kinda stupid mind games in relationships. If u love d person, just treat him s well s u can n of coz ideally both of us will treat each other d same wif love n respect. Mayb i'm silly 2 tink dat way but hw do u tell a person 2 b more rational when she's 2 emotional in d 1st place? Just tend 2 throw in evryting in2 my relationships n n up hurt but i stil can't help myself. It's in my personality i guess. I'm sorry dat i didn't let my dear dear feel loved at d start of d r/s but i'm trying 2 put in more effort in2 it coz i can c dat u r serious abt me n wldn't do anyting 2 hurt me. I 1ed 2 protect myself coz i didn't believe any1 will treat me well n love me initially.

After returning 2 his hm fr ballet class i started 2 develop dis crappy headache fr all dat physical exertion during class n probably all dat negative feelings i had inside me. felt a little annoyed when i told him i was hungry n he told me 2 wait til simon n keng chong had knocked off. by den i was starving, had a headache n feeling shitty when we reached d kopitiam. Ended up gorging on fishball mee, almond jelly n grape mr softee. Emotional eating again s usual 2 numb myself. After my dinner just felt extremely guilty 4 gorging like some pig.. but felt better when my dear dear got me some highlighters 4 sch. Can study n tink of him at d same time mah. Later had 2 take 2 panadol followed by another 2 when my headache wouldn't get better.

Got 2 sleep ard 5+am coz i cldn't sleep, den n up made my dear dear upset again.. dunno y i'm irritating. mayb it's d full moon again. i felt indignant when he said i was like any1 else: when ppl treat me well i question their motives when they treat me less kindly, i 1der y they r so bad. I tink dat's human nature. N besides, he wasn't who i thgt he is. I've 2 compromise coz he can't change his personality s dat's wat he said. i'm 2 serious, 2 typical Singaporean n always living in my own world. Suddenly everyting abt me just seems so imperfect n wrong. But i suppose if i don't give way, both of us will argue wif each other all d time n i hate it. It jus has 2 b me 2 gif in, i don't 1 2 gif up d r/s so i've better try harder 2 make tings wk coz i dun 1 2 c my world fall apart. i can't handle it. I can't pretend dat i'm so strong n cool when i no my v world revolves ard my guy. Yes i do feel it's unfair but i guess guys ve their egos n being a woman it's only right i listen 2 him. When has d world ever been fair in d 1st place? I jus ve 2 accept my lot in life n just go wif d flow. I guess i just ve 2 try 2 b more tolerant n not ve 2 many expectations on my dear dear, mayb we'll b happier...

imlost...
inafairytale

Thursday, February 09, 2006
1:42 AM

~on top of d world!!!~

2day was a great day. It might seem like nothing extraordinary n nothing much is going on but sometimes 1 can delight in d mundane. I'm thankful 4 days like dis.

well, 2day marks another day when i actually paid att during class 4 psychopathology lecture. Jill's a boring lecturer but sumhow i'm amazed at my being able 2 focus 4 d 3rd day in a row in class w/o drifting off 2 dreamland or 2 my fantasy world. Mayb d girl wif hyperactivity is going 2 lose d dreaded tag soon if this carries on which is fantastic! I'm aiming 2 b a gd student instead of always being this underachieving slacker who's always procrastinating in her revision n assignments. mayb it helped dat i no longer carry this negativity in2 class dat d sub is boring n d lecturer or tutor sux n sch seems much more enjoyable. I used 2 tink class was a fucking waste of time n hated attending lessons but now i'm trying 2 change my mindset. Guess d fortune tellers were right after all. 2006 is d yr when my fortunes will change fr d bad yrs of 2004 n 2005. ")

After class went 4 wk s usual. hai 3rd day in a row skipped d lectures 4 cognitive neuroscience. bobian, mon n wed ve 2 stand in 4 hakim 4 wk n tue ve ballet class. Actually althgh i was nv a bio student, i thgt d previous bio module Brain n Behavior was v interesting n it captured my interest thgh d new terms were mind-boggling. But anyway, tmr i'll b attending d lecture. looking 4wd 2 it n hope i wun b disappointed. 2day 1st time i managed 2 close d pool centre 5 min after 12 midnitez 4 once. dat's pretty early 4 mindy's standard. Most importantly, i dun ve a shortage of cash! Esp sun short $10 n mon short $19, make me sibei dulan coz i cldn't find out d reason 4 d excessive shortage. It's like wk 4 3 wks dun ve this prob den suddenly short so much wk 1 day 4 free, make me damn irritated.

Dear dear called me ard 939pm n i was over d moon. coz it's like he initiated calling me mah. which is a rare ting! Had a short chat wif him b4 he put down d fone 2 do his assignment. d other gd ting is i'm going 2 collect my cheques for wking at d motorola factory n dis pool place tmr b4 going 2 sch. den i'll probably bank both in on fri. yay, 4 once d bank acc ve some $. always hovering below $10 particularly at d n of d mth, i always scared not enuf 2 deduct d $2 den they close my acc. if i keep dis $ til n of d mth mayb dunnit 2 deduct $2. :P stil pondering over wat hp i shld get. Nokia N70 seems v tempting but on another hand i'm tinking of getting a new wardrobe. Mayb get a slightly better than low budget camera hp n get new clothes may seem a better compromise.

I guess d only ting which i'm not v happy abt is my weight. If i can lose 5 kg, it'll b d perfect life 4 me. Yesterday ballet class was quite depressing. I cldn't last v long on pointe partly coz my pointe shoes became so incredibly tight n my fat heavy body which was killing my toes. If i 1na take d intermediate exam in sep i better lose d excess wt 2 make life ezier 4 myself n dance better. hmm ve 2 start fr tmr d fasting ting. this time i must ve self ctrl. dun bring money 2 sch except 2 wk n wear more thick jackets coz when i dun eat i always feel extremely cold. Don't go in2 d canteen during break, no fd outlets n hm kitchen n i wun b tempted. just drink my ribena, barley or milk so i've enuf energy 2 sustain my life, walk n ve not ve bone problems like last time. during break just concentrate on studying my textbk n lecture notes. Pls god just let me b thin like last time n i wun gorge on fd ever again. I'll stop being this glutton.

That's it, an ordinary way 2 n d day...

imlost...
inafairytale

Friday, February 03, 2006
2:16 AM

~playing catchup~

28/1 (sat)
Sorry dear dear made u wait almost 40 min outside my hm door. Coz pa at hm den he sat always kao bei so aked u 2 stay outside. Den went shopping wif dear dear 2 bugis 2 buy CNY clothes.. Got a lavender dress n a white mini cardi fr bugis village. After dat went to cathay cineleisure 2 get a nude halter n a long necklace.bought matching hp straps n 2 furry pens 2. waited 4 dear dear's ma 2 finish wk at paragon den went wif his parents 2 go take mrt 2 bukit batok. on d way 2 mrt, dis mood swing gal started 2 give attitude 2 dear dear again. den ignored him all d way on d long trip.

During d trip i forced myself 2 not speak 2 u at all coz i 1ed u 2 give up on me. Sum stupid ting 2 do. den when u started sniffing i told myself 2 pretend dat my heart was completely cold n dat i don't give a damn abt u anymore. i 1ed u 2 hate me so it'll b ezier 4 u 2 give up on me. D trip seemed like an eternity. U tried tokking 2 me but i just looked at u s if i cldn't care less. I felt bery upset but i just felt i had 2 do wat i did at dat time.

When we reached ur relative's place i just cldn't keep up wif d act anymore. N up we picked fd 4 each other anymore. Halfway when ur nose just started bleeding during d meal, my heart got heavy n just sank s if a huge wt was placed on it. I cldn't describe hw guilty n horrible i feel. I didn't 1 2 pretend dat i dun care abt u anymore. I no hw hurt n disappointed u felt n dat anger u've in ur eyes when u looked at me during d mrt trip was unbearable. I juz 1ed 2 conceal hw vulnerable i was by putting on dat brave front in front of u.

After d dinner, went over ur place 2 rest 4 awhile.. Quite exhausted fr doing all dat shopping n up slept on d cab on d way back. Rested 4 awhile at ur place b4 we went 2 watch Fearless wif Jason n Keng Chong. D show was fantastic. Later walked 2 ur hm n on d way we tokked abt d crappy day n u stil seemed v stressed up. I'm sorry 2 make u so agitated n wked up.. N u said i was d 1st 2 make u so upset in ur life. I don't 1 2 do anyting 2 hurt u again. In a way, this incident make me more determined 2 make our r/s wk coz i can't n will not 4give myself if i cause u pain again.

29/1 (sun)
Went visiting at 2 homes.N 1 of my aunt said i put on a little wt n i looked different fr last yr but she cldn't say wat it was. dopez. being weight-conscious n vain, i did take offence at d PUT ON WT tingie. After visiting, went over dear dear's hm 2 accompany him.

30/1 (mon)
Went 2 visit grand aunt.. v sad 2 c her back bent almost double coz of oestoporosis n becoming senile. She looked after me when i was a sm kid n we tokked 4 awhile. Gd ppl always suffer. It just aint fair when d gd doesn't get any repayment 4 their gd deeds while those evil ppl nv suffer retribution.. Had lunch there n fell asleep n woke up twice. Becoming like peeg liow. Plus keep having interrupted sleep so bobian also. Another relative said i put on weight again. Haiz. This leads me 2 b more determined in dieting 2 get back 2 my trim figure. but if i continue wking, it's so cold n i always get hungry. guess i'm destinied 2 b a FAT girl all my life. Went hm 2 bathe b4 taking a cab 2 dear dear's hm. Meanwhile he played cards wif his pa's colleagues while i listenrd 2 music n read my mag in his room. We had dinner wif jason at Long John At TM b4 we headed hm coz dear dear wasn't feeling well n had a fever.

31/1 (Tue)
Dear dear's fever got worse. actually he 1ed me 2 go visiting in d morning but i didn't 1 2 go. Ma said she wld go visiting alone if i 1ed 2 b a nurse n Pa said it wasn't my business dat he was sick. Seriously, i cldn't care if they unhappy wif me lorz since i hardly listen 2 them anyway n 2 me, my bf is above evry1 else including my family (Sorry 2 my frens this doesn't mean u all r unimpt 2 me just dat i'm closer 2 my bf). Paisay dear dear i dunno hw 2 take care of u properly. took a nap 2gether in d afternoon. Watched Garfield on SCV til 10+pm b4 going 2 d clinic. Waited an hr 4 u 2 sleep b4 i cld rest but 2 tired 2 take out my contacts which leaves me 2...

1/2(Wed)
Ve sore painful teary eyes AGAIN dis morning. Went hm after taking out my left contact len den prepare 2 go 2 wk. Whole day fr 12 2 6pm kept tearing n d national players n customers all thgt i crying.. Yes i was crying but i wasn't upset. Hakim was saying dat d customers seem 2 flirt wif me when i took over his shift. geez. watever la, juz entertain them by conversing wif them lor. Had 2 4go guolin's bday celebration coz feeling quite terrible n both eyes can't open properly n keep 1ing 2 close :( Went hm 2 rest instead. Dear dear's fever went up again n he had 2 visit d doc at abt 0045.

2/2(Thu)
Visited dear dear n it seems he's much better. Ended up watching MTV den took a short nap b4 going off 2 wk at 6pm again. V dulan d jackpot customer. Made may n i only close d damn place at 0030. Idiot fellow, we dun get extra pay 4 doing OT lor. Geez. 2day got tournament n they only closed d tables at 2315. N up now i can't sleep coz finish wk so late.. "( sch reopen ve 2 miss a confirmed 4/8 nite classes coz 2 nites cover 4 hakim n 2 nites ve ballet classes. hai might even miss more if d week after mon, wed or thu hakim can't wk.. must on a bit read d damn textbk. At least when i wk on weekdays can read my textbk at wk lor. Hopefully dis term will b more conscientious n stop handing in assignments late. sick of not doing well juz coz i kana deducted 1.5%-10% 4 late wk.throw my marks away 4 nothing. hopefully dis term goes well wor. Sch starting n i realise i haven't really enjoyed d 3 weeks break coz i keep wking. Shld ve ard $400+ 4 dis mth but d cheque kana delayed coz accs department n may's final calculation 4 d salary doesn't tally. sickening. Grr. Yay at least i can get a new hp soon. So that's sumting 2 b happy abt.

imlost...
inafairytale