`tHe NeVeReNdInG fAiRyTaLe~hApPiLy EvEr AfTeR iS nOt ThAt FaR iS iT?` RyAn & MiNdY

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
9:14 PM

~Valentine's day...~

1st 2 go on abt yesterday, i rushed like hell coz i was late 4 sch. D best part was i didn't check my timetable 2 c dat there wasn't any lessons in d afternoon! Cld ve met up wif my dear dear much earlier b4 i went 4 my 630pm ballet class.. He seemed a little disappointed dat we cldn't meet up 2 mayb go out when he msged me in d morning. It happened dat i only realised my stupidity when my bus was travelling at river valley rd.. In d n i took a cab 2 tampines 201 after taking d bus 2 douby gaut coz there wasn't much time 2 slack at hm even if i went hm.

Had a chit chat wif keng chong n simon. Den spotted a pink bag at d hp shop where keng chong used 2 wk n he paid 4 me 1st. Quite broke after spending on stuf 4 myself n my dear dear. Den went his hm wif jason who helped me carry my heavy bag. Actually i was quite happy 2 c him but he seemed so distant. Mayb coz his frens were ard: he didn't hug me or wished me a happy v day. i was a bit sad but i tried 2 brush off dat feeling. Had 2 go 4 ballet class so i passed him his v day gift n card 1st. cldn't concentrate during class when i saw his msg dat he felt guilty abt not getting anything 4 me. Didn't 1 2 make him feel worse than he already was. At least 1 person feeling upset is better than 2 feeling d same way. Althgh technically he felt quite crappy 2 begin wif. Actually, i didn't expect at all dat he didn't plan 2 celebrate d day at all: i thgt if we r going 2 meet we probably will exchange pressies n ve dinner 2gether thgh i wasn't expecting sumting ex. mayb sumting handmade or a sweet letter wld b a nice gesture. There's sumting i really 1 which i tink sum ppl no n i thgt mayb who knows he might surprise me. I tried 2 comfort myself dat v day was just an overhyped n commercialised day n dat he probably doesn't celebrate this day at all. But it was tough hiding d disappointment. Mayb i shldn't ve any expectations, mayb it seemed like i nv bothered abt him at all in his heart. Deep down inside i no i'm a sucker 4 romance thgh i don't show it 2 much. On another hand, i attempted 2 reason wif myself dat normally he treats me quite well n he had gotten me bday pressies n celebrated my bday wif me, listened 2 my ranting n raving abt d stupid jerk asshole who broke up wif me 1 day b4 my bday when we weren't 2gether yet even thgh we knew each other only since aug 20 2005. I was quite touched dat some1 remed my bday n was willing 2 celebrate wif me on dat day esp when i was at an all time low at dat time. Did feel slightly better but somehow it seemed difficult 2 shake off dat uncomfortable feeling.

Mayb it isn't right 2 ve expectations abt ppl when u do stuf 4 them. U can try doing things 4 ppl n it shld b out of ur own free will. If ppl appreciate ur efforts dat'll b great, if they don't, sumtimes u r left feeling like a fool or disappointed. Guess everyting dat we do comes wif strings attached. Kinda sad but hw true. I try 2 show more care n concern but seems like d harder u try d ezier it is 4 ur intentions 2 backfire on u. Ppl either misinterpret ur intentions, take u 4 granted or don't give a damn. i ve dis tendency 2 increase my expectations of ppl whom r close 2 me esp family members n close frens. try 2 not take them 4 granted in return n rem watever kindness or tings they ve done 4 me so i can repay them in d future thgh i tink it'll nv b enuf.

Some1 told me recently not 2 put in 2 much at d beginning of d r/s since it is just starting out but i feel u can't use $ 2 measure d extent of d rs. i tink it's ok 2 spend some money or time on d person u love coz it's worthwhile when u look at d delighted smile on his/her face. I'll do all i can 2 pls d 1 i love n 2 c him happy but sumtimes it comes across s if i'm trying 2 hard. Some ppl say it's stupid n a girl shld always let d guy love her more n shower his love n att on her n not d other way round but i don't enjoy playing dis kinda stupid mind games in relationships. If u love d person, just treat him s well s u can n of coz ideally both of us will treat each other d same wif love n respect. Mayb i'm silly 2 tink dat way but hw do u tell a person 2 b more rational when she's 2 emotional in d 1st place? Just tend 2 throw in evryting in2 my relationships n n up hurt but i stil can't help myself. It's in my personality i guess. I'm sorry dat i didn't let my dear dear feel loved at d start of d r/s but i'm trying 2 put in more effort in2 it coz i can c dat u r serious abt me n wldn't do anyting 2 hurt me. I 1ed 2 protect myself coz i didn't believe any1 will treat me well n love me initially.

After returning 2 his hm fr ballet class i started 2 develop dis crappy headache fr all dat physical exertion during class n probably all dat negative feelings i had inside me. felt a little annoyed when i told him i was hungry n he told me 2 wait til simon n keng chong had knocked off. by den i was starving, had a headache n feeling shitty when we reached d kopitiam. Ended up gorging on fishball mee, almond jelly n grape mr softee. Emotional eating again s usual 2 numb myself. After my dinner just felt extremely guilty 4 gorging like some pig.. but felt better when my dear dear got me some highlighters 4 sch. Can study n tink of him at d same time mah. Later had 2 take 2 panadol followed by another 2 when my headache wouldn't get better.

Got 2 sleep ard 5+am coz i cldn't sleep, den n up made my dear dear upset again.. dunno y i'm irritating. mayb it's d full moon again. i felt indignant when he said i was like any1 else: when ppl treat me well i question their motives when they treat me less kindly, i 1der y they r so bad. I tink dat's human nature. N besides, he wasn't who i thgt he is. I've 2 compromise coz he can't change his personality s dat's wat he said. i'm 2 serious, 2 typical Singaporean n always living in my own world. Suddenly everyting abt me just seems so imperfect n wrong. But i suppose if i don't give way, both of us will argue wif each other all d time n i hate it. It jus has 2 b me 2 gif in, i don't 1 2 gif up d r/s so i've better try harder 2 make tings wk coz i dun 1 2 c my world fall apart. i can't handle it. I can't pretend dat i'm so strong n cool when i no my v world revolves ard my guy. Yes i do feel it's unfair but i guess guys ve their egos n being a woman it's only right i listen 2 him. When has d world ever been fair in d 1st place? I jus ve 2 accept my lot in life n just go wif d flow. I guess i just ve 2 try 2 b more tolerant n not ve 2 many expectations on my dear dear, mayb we'll b happier...

imlost...
inafairytale